"Silence Hurts"

Presentation to Atlantic High School students in Daytona Beach, FL on Nov 30, 2001

My name is Terry Smith.  I am a teacher at Flagler Palm Coast High School.  I am in my third year and this is a new career for me.  My being here is very new, one that I did not chose.  My topic and theme is "Silence Hurts".  I would like to start by introducing my daughter through one of her writings.

I once was a girl who had everything
But gave it all up for happiness.
Who says money can’t buy satisfaction, gratification or success? I DO!

This was written by our daughter on January 30, 2000, a little more than one year before she took her life. It’s hard to understand how someone so full of life and seemingly happy could have done what she did, but we have learned a lot in this past year, and are continuing to learn, about suicide.

For instance, did you know that:

• more Americans kill themselves than are killed by others,
• suicide is the 2^nd leading cause of death for Florida’s youth 15-19, and
• that suicide is now the 8^th leading cause of death in America?

And it is preventable!  Most suicidal persons desperately want to live.  They are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.

Suicide deaths are caused mainly from untreated or undiagnosed depression. But if you had met our daughter, you would not have been aware that she was depressed. She had a beautiful smile, was very talented and had so much to live for. She loved going to school at Flagler Palm Coast High where she played on the tennis team, was Miss Jr. Flagler County, had many friends and a loving family. But Stephanie suffered from depression, and she was in treatment for her depression.

What causes depression? There are many factors such as

• Biological illnesses stemming from a chemical imbalance in the brain
• A traumatic event or loss of a loved one, or
• A combination of genetic, psychological and environmental factors

In Stephanie’s case, she had suffered from a traumatic event when she was raped by a neighbor at the age of 9. This was someone she and we trusted and who threatened to kill her if she ever told anyone. She kept this to herself and turned all the hurt and anger inside, causing severe emotional stress and depression. She seemed to be able to cope with it until she went away to college and was away from her home and routine.

You see, there’s a huge difference between a wound to your body and a wound to your mind. If you fall off your skateboard and scrape your knee, it will heal slowly, forming a scab and eventually a scar (if it’s really bad), but eventually it’s over and forgotten. When you hurt your mind there are many stages of recovery, but your mind often goes back almost like a violent reinfection, which might or might not give way to eventual healing.

We are lucky that Stephanie kept a journal. Her way of releasing stress was to write her feelings in a journal and, reading this, it has helped us understand how she felt. It didn’t lessen the shock we had when we found her lifeless body in her room on Monday, February 19^th of this year. And it hasn’t lessened the grief we have felt in losing our only child, who had just turned 21 on January 11^th. Here is what she wrote in her journal on that momentous occasion:

From her journals, we learned that Stephanie attempted suicide more than once and thought about it often. We also learned that she got beyond those feelings often with the help of her friends. The tragedy is that she had not been able to tell anyone about her sexual molestation until just before her death, and was just beginning to receive the specific treatment needed for her situation. She had been in treatment for a full year without revealing the root cause of her pain.

Just this Tuesday, there was an article in the Dear Abby section of the News Journal about the pain a young woman suffered by not speaking out. She said: "Dear Abby: Scared and alone in Britton, Michigan is not alone. Five years ago, I went through the same experience.

I had been drinking heavily at a party and was raped by a guy who had been my good friend for years. He was a close friend of my boyfriend and I didn’t know to whom I could turn so, like "scared", I remained silent. I was afraid of what the guy might do to me and of what people would think. I thought if I told, I’d lose my friends. Sadly, I lost my friends anyway. After the rape, I lost my ability to trust people or let anyone get close to me. I became unable to open up to people without thinking they had some hidden agenda. My friends didn’t know what was wrong with me, and they didn’t stick around to find out. I was lost and alone.

I want to tell "scared" from personal experience: Tell someone what happened right away! Go to a support group. Share your experience. Call your friend and tell her. Call a hotline if you wish to remain anonymous. If you don’t, you’ll have difficulty making and keeping relationships for the rest of your life." The young woman goes on to tell that she finally received help and now, 5 years later, is happy with her life. She ends by saying "the sooner you share your experience, the faster you’ll heal".

It’s not your fault. You are not alone. Telling someone may even save your life. We firmly believe that if our daughter had been able to confront her pain and receive specific treatment earlier, she would have survived.

Why do our youth and others in our community see suicide as an option for ending pain and loneliness? Why does the anger and pain build up, causing harm to themselves and others? There are so many other options available, but it has to begin with caring. In our homes, in our schools. We live in such a fast-paced society where much of our free time is spent in front of computers and television sets, or driving to sports practices and rehearsals, doing homework, and making the scores on exams. Children are exposed to constant peer pressures and tensions at home. Depression is treatable and many suicides are preventable, but we cannot begin to prevent suicide or treat depression until we are able to talk about and acknowledge this serious public health problem. Research shows that by erasing the stigma and improving awareness, interventions, and education we can greatly reduce the likelihood of suicide. A suicide attempt is a desperate call for help.

How can we help and what can we do as friends, parents, and teachers? We need to slow down, enjoy each moment as if there were never to be another moment had. Cherish each word, movement, smell, sound. Listen to our loved ones and to the messages behind the anger and the smiles. You just may save a life!

There is HOPE through education, awareness and intervention.  Suicide is not about death.  Speak up and save a life.  Ask the Question.  Take your friend by the hand, before their hand takes their own life.  Say YES TO LIFE.  It's not about Life or Death, but about Quality of Life.

"SILENCE HURTS"